Mary Dwyer: Forgiveness

Mary Dwyer: Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is not forgetting, not condoning, not a form of absolution, not a pretense, not a once and for all decision, and not a sign of weakness but of strength."—Mary Dwyer, One Day Retreat of Contemplative Outreach, Learning to Forgive, February 10, 2018, St. Mark's.

At a forgiveness workshop with Mary Dwyer from Contemplative Outreach, Ltd., at St. Mark's, we learned some basics to start the journey of forgiveness. She reminds us that forgiveness is the only conditional part of the Lord's Prayer, "forgive our sins, as we forgive others."

Reconciliation involves both parties. Forgiveness involves only one party.

 Mary cautioned us about forgiving too soon.

She used the process from Fr. William A. Meninger's book, The Process of Forgiveness. The first stage of beginning to forgive involves claiming the hurt, often by writing about it.

 Telling our story is also a big part of Bishop Tutu's book, The Book of Forgiving. In the second stage of healing, we feel guilty that maybe we did something wrong for the harm to happen. Here, we are healed by comforting our inner child.

In the third stage, we see ourselves as the victim. Mary gave examples of how so many people get stuck in this stage. Their whole life centers around some hurt many years ago. Support groups help in this stage, as we see we are not the only ones who have been harmed. 

In the fourth stage, we become angry about the hurt. Anger brings with it a tremendous energy and clarity. If we can transform that energy, we can start healing as we release this energy and become whole again.

What helps me the most is knowing that the person who has harmed me is still hurting me as long as I cannot forgive them. 

Mary then described a process of active imagination with God and the person who has harmed us called the Forgiveness Prayer. After a period of Centering Prayer, we imagine our own sacred space with God very close to us. She imagines she is sitting in God's lap. My sacred space would be sitting on the white sandy beach by the ocean, watching the waves come gently in as the seagulls fly in and out at the water's edge. We then invite someone who has harmed us to come into our space. We tell them all that they have done to hurt us. Then we ask them if we have hurt them, and then ask them for forgiveness.

Sometimes, having a picture of the person who harmed us may help us speak to them. This is not a one-time event but may require many encounters. The Forgiveness Prayer is helpful for me when the person who harmed me refuses to talk about it. The Prayer allows us to speak to that person in a safe place where we cannot be injured again and acknowledge our mistakes.

Mary also recommends praying daily for the person who has harmed us until we are ready to forgive.

another sacred space

Owensby: Changing our Perspective

Owensby: Changing our perspective

“A gestalt shift is a visual switch of perspective. While looking at an unchanging image, we see first one thing and then another. For instance, in the picture below, you can see an older woman or a young woman.”—Jake Owensby in Looking for God in Messy Places, https://jakeowensby.com, March 3, 2018.

In his weekly blog, Looking for God in Messy Places, the fourth bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Western Louisiana talks about how we interpret what we see before seeing it. He challenges us to look at some things we think are familiar in another way. His story is about how Jesus changed his ideas about God.

Gestalt shifts involve changing our minds about something.

I see Gestalt shifts in spiritual direction as well. Spiritual direction is about caring for the soul. Spiritual friends help us put on a new pair of glasses, so we can see God at work in their lives when we did not perceive God before.

Spiritual friends ask questions like, “How is your heart?” instead of “How are you doing?”

Spiritual friends follow a rule of life where we “bend the knee of the heart”1 and “listen with the ear of the heart.”2

Spiritual friends help us find our own sacred space inside of each of us, and find sacred spaces outside of us in the world. As a result, we begin to see the concepts Barbara Brown Taylor describes in her book, An Altar in the World.

The Gestalt shift of spiritual friends is that we look beyond the surface and see the Christ in each other, especially in the person we previously had difficulty with.

We begin to see them in a new light, often significantly wounded, just like the rest of us.

1 Prayer of Manasseh, Book of Common Prayer, p. 91.

2 Prologue to The Rule of Benedict.

Joanna joannaseibert.com

 Bishop Owensby’s recent book is Looking for God in Messy Places.

Nouwen: Jesus Prayer

Nouwen: Jesus Prayer

“Lord God, Lamb of God, that takest away the sins of the world, have mercy on me.”

Previously, we read about the Jesus Prayer from Bishop Hibbs. Today we learn more about it from Henri Nouwen. This prayer is a modification of the Agnus Dei recited or sung in the Eucharist or Communion service at the Fraction after the celebrant breaks the consecrated bread.

The prayer is also a modification of the ancient Jesus Prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me.” I have used this modification for years, awakening during the day—especially during difficult times and as I fall asleep. When we pray the Jesus Prayer or a modification continuously, it is considered a Prayer of the Heart: opening the heart with unceasing prayer, as Paul called for in Romans 12:12 and 1 Thessalonians 5:17.

I have been to only one General Convention of the Episcopal Church. What I remember most is attending a special lecture by Henri Nouwen. I continually give thanks for taking time out of a busy day to go. I do not remember a word Nouwen said, but I remember his presence. It was loving, accepting, not centered on himself, at peace with himself, the closest thing I have experienced to a holy presence. I can still feel that holiness in his writings.

Nouwen’s theme of praying the Jesus Prayer or Prayer of the Heart is found in Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. Nouwen contends this practice moves our prayers from the head to the heart, as we realize that answers to questions and the presence of God are in our hearts. Nouwen’s thoughts remind me of the spiritual exercises of Anthony de Mello, who also recommends imaging our body and breath to move from our head to our heart and body.

The Jesus Prayer has been a part of my being, particularly when I find myself living in fear. I have never said it unceasing 3000 times a day, then 6000, then 12,000 times a day, as the 5th-century Egyptian Desert Fathers and the 19th-century Russian monk recommended to the anonymous Russian peasant in The Way of the Pilgrim. I confess that I pray the Jesus Prayer more often when I reach my human limits, indicating my powerlessness, rather than using the prayer on God’s terms.

Nouwen teaches about the paradox of prayer, learning to pray when we can only receive prayer as a gift. God’s Spirit, God’s breath, prays into and with us. Instead, I often use prayer, especially the Jesus Prayer, in times of weakness, as a support system, as a foxhole prayer, or when I can no longer help or control the situation and am desperate. Nouwen reminds us to pray the Jesus Prayer at the point when we can reach out to God, not on our own terms and needs, but on God’s terms. This kind of prayer pulls us away from self-preoccupations and challenges us to enter a new world, a great adventure, praying to our God, who has no limits.

Nouwen’s book Reaching Out, about the spiritual journey and union with God using the Jesus Prayer, is one I keep readily available by my bed. I recommend it to those who come to me for spiritual direction if they are experiencing the absence of God. Nouwen writes that God is present, but God’s presence is so much beyond our human experience of being connected to another that it may be perceived as absence. Yet, paradoxically, God’s absence is often so deeply felt that it can lead to a new sense of God’s presence.

 Nouwen’s book is excellent for adult studies, especially during Advent or Lent.

The Way of the Pilgrim and The Pilgrim Continues His Way, a new translation by Helen Bacovin. (Image 1978).

Henri Nouwen in Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life. (Image 1975).

Henri Nouwen in Desert Wisdom: Sayings from the Desert Fathers. (Orbis 1982).