Nouwen: Death

“When we lose a dear friend, someone we have loved deeply, we are left with a grief that can paralyze us emotionally for a long time. People we love become part of us. But as we let go of them they become part of our ‘members,’ and as we ‘re-member’ them, they become our guides on our spiritual journey.”

—Henri Nouwen in Bread for the Journey (HarperOne, 2006).

The God of my understanding does not give us a person we love deeply and then let that relationship end with the death of that person. Ours is a God of love. The love from that companion we so deeply cared about is still there with us. We are still in relationship with that person, but in a way we do not understand. Our mutual love does not end. Death is not a period at the end of a sentence, but more like a comma.

Sometimes when we bring to memory events—ordinary as well as special times—with the person we loved, we will also feel that person’s presence and wisdom. We can still talk to her or him in this new relationship that is still a mystery. Nouwen believes that sometimes we can be even more intimate in this relationship than we were in life. Love is what continues and never dies.

Some people find it helpful to wear a piece of jewelry or clothing as a physical reminder of a relationship that is now spiritual. Our loved ones are now in some way always present with us, whereas in life they were present only when they were physically with us.

The grief recovery work that we have been involved with for at least twenty years, Walking the Mourner’s Path, advocates staying in relationship with our loved one by doing something to honor the relationship we had. When this is followed, amazing transformations have occurred. People have initiated suicide prevention programs, built walking trails, written books, developed new careers in helping professions, built halfway houses for those in recovery, and given land to Habitat for Humanity to honor where their loved one died.

In my case, I returned to church and stopped smoking to honor the life and death of my Grandfather Whaley. My grandfather’s love cared for me while he lived and he saved my life even in death. I still feel his presence today, forty years later, and especially as I write about him this morning—and now I send his love on to my own grandchildren.

Rebecca Spooner is leading a morning retreat about the Enneagram at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church on Saturday February 29th from 9 to 1. The Cost is $15. Sign up on St. Mark’s website lovesaintmarks.org. Go to What’s on, then Events.

Joanna . joannaseibert.com